


Death to Sparkle-Pires!

by MissE



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Humor, M/M, Satire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-16
Updated: 2011-11-16
Packaged: 2017-10-26 03:53:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 12
Words: 1,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/278396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissE/pseuds/MissE
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They exist, and they sparkle, and it's just. plain. wrong.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Discovery

They were all assembled in the Scooby Club House (AKA, third floor lounge, which was restricted to the original Scoobies and their guests) watching the dear- _God_ -is-that-big TV. The group were all standing, watching carefully (translation: scowling) as the recording played.

“It’s all fake,” Spike pronounced eventually.

“I shit you not,” Xander declared, “that is _exactly_ what happened. No special effects, no Photoshop, nada.”

Dawn wandered closer to the screen, hand outstretched, hypnotised. “They’re so pretty,” she murmured.

Buffy picked her sister up by the waist and dragged her back. “Are they demons?” she asked.

“Um… Maybe?” Xander offered.

Buffy grunted.


	2. But Wait, There's More...

“There’s more,” Willow announced, dropping a pile of folders on the conference table.

“More?” Buffy demanded, aghast.

“Ah, yes,” Giles murmured, “I had heard some stories of the Volturi: a coven so ancient and secret that they are all but invisible to the world.”

Spike snorted. “Never heard of them.”

“Then I guess they succeeded,” Xander grinned.

Giles stifled a grin, and went on, “They’re in Italy, I believe.”

“Ooh,” Dawn cooed, “Italian leather.”

“Clothes,” Buffy added, grinning.

Giles pinched his nose, and counted to ten. “ _If_ you go to Italy, it will be to destroy the coven. That’s it.”


	3. But How?

“So how do we even kill these things?” Xander asked, worrying his lip.

Wordlessly, Buffy pulled out her stake, and mimed staking a vampire. Willow and Xander exchanged glances, trying vainly to keep from sniggering while Dawn blushed, goggle-eyed.

Spike, on the other hand, smirked broadly. “If you want help with that, you know I’m available,” he offered.

Giles coughed gently. “I, uh, believe you said you weren’t going to do that again,” he murmured.

Buffy looked at her hands, then blushed vividly as she hid her stake behind her back. “Oh, just, you know,” she stammered then scowled. “You know!”


	4. Well, That Didn't Work

They were back in the Scooby Club House (trademark pending) scowling at the TV again.

“Well, that didn’t work,” Buffy muttered. “And since when did Xander become Mr Super Sniper?” she added, frowning at her friend.

“Well, since Willow mojo-ed my eye back, I decided to up-skill,” Xander nodded. “Made some interesting new friends,” he added, grinning broadly. “Of course, this is a bad thing,” he added, scowling at the screen again. “As far as I know, high-powered ammo like that isn’t supposed to ricochet.”

“Is it me, or did the sparkle-pire actually chip where you hit him?” Dawn wondered.


	5. Inventory

“Right, so: troll hammer?”

“Check.”

“Scythe?”

“Check.”

“White phosphorous?”

“That’s that stuff that has to be stored _really_ carefully, and will burn stuff _really_ well?”

“Yep.”

“Check.”

“M72 LAW?”

“Huh?”

“Birthday present for taking out un-killable demons?”

Smirk. “Check.”

“Claymores?” Evil, if giddy, laughter.

“Again with the ‘huh’?”

“Boxy thing that says ‘Front Towards Enemy.’”

“Huh. Check.”

“Big magic box to stick all that in so that no one A) arrests us, or B) throws us in the loony bin?”

“That’s a big check-a-mundo!”

“Excellent.”

“Xan?”

“Yes?”

“Please don’t tap your fingers and say it like that: it’s creepy.”

“Spoilsport.”


	6. Edward

“What are you doing?” the bronze-haired, golden-eyed sparkle-pire asked vaguely. He could hear their thoughts, but everything was so chaotic and jumbled, and the red-haired woman seemed to babble even inside her own head, and it was giving him a headache. His ‘sister’ had warned him that blankness and chaos were coming, and she couldn’t see anything that was about to happen, and he had a sinking feeling that it revolved around these weird humans that made his venom rise in anticipation. Except, of course, they were human, and he’d _never_ do that: red eyes didn’t go with his hair.


	7. Dead-ward

Xander held up a movie clapper, yelled, “Sparkle-pires Must Die, mark one,” snapped the clapper shut, and dodged out of Dawn’s way.

Buffy stepped in front of the camera with the troll hammer slung easily over her shoulder. “Ready?” she asked hesitantly.

Dawn huffed. “Xander’s done the clapper, and can you see the red light is on?” she demanded testily.

“Oh, right,” Buffy started, then turned to the vaguely pretty sparkle-pire. The sun had come out, and – what did you know – he really did sparkle. She stepped up and swung the hammer. She toed the glittering fragments idly. “What now?”


	8. Bella

“Take two,” Willow called out, waving a hand to snap the slapper shut and then out of the way.

Buffy scowled at the palely-pretty brunette and twirled the Scythe. “So how shall I do this?” she asked her friends.

“Slice and dice?” Xander suggested.

“Off with her head,” Willow cackled.

Buffy turned to face her favourite witch. “Alright, what are you on, and where can I get some?” she demanded.

“After you…” Willow waved her hands vaguely at the amber-eyed sparkle-pire.

Buffy spun, and slashed at the … thing, reducing it to several scattered pieces. “Now, Willow: spill!”

Willow giggled.


	9. Oops?

“What is wrong with you people?” the sparkle-pire demanded with a soft drawl. “You want to kill me, but you’re not angry or anything.”

“Well, no,” Buffy shrugged. “But, well, you’re vampires.”

“No they’re not!” Spike yelled from the trees.

“Point,” Xander nodded. “Vampires don’t sparkle in the sun, they combust. Ergo: not vampires.”

“But why are you killing us?”

“Because you’re killers?” Buffy suggested, the ‘duh’ evident in her voice.

“No, we’re not,” he objected. “We’re vegetarians.”

“You are?” Buffy winced.

“Oops,” Xander muttered.

“No they’re not,” Spike called out. “Kill them all.”

“Shut up, Spike,” the Scoobies chorused.


	10. Clarification

“So it’s the ones with red eyes that are the people killers?” Xander clarified.

“Yes,” the oldest male nodded, frowning sadly.

“Yes, well, we are, of course, terribly sorry about the, uh, unfortunate incidents earlier,” Giles offered.

“We understand that you are trained to hunt our kind,” the father of the clan offered, “but I do wish you had sought further information before simply attacking.”

Just as they were about to leave, another sparkle-pire appeared. “All I will say,” he smirked, “is thank God it was those two. Oh, and you need to burn the fragments.”

“Will do,” Buffy winked.


	11. Call Now!

The Scoobies-plus-one set down a book and DVD set on Giles’ desk. Giles picked up the DVD and eyed it sceptically. “‘Death to Sparkle-pires?’” he quoted doubtfully.

“They ain’t vampires,” Spike averred adamantly. “Even asked the Great Poof, and he agrees.”

“And then promptly went out looking for sparkle gel,” Xander added, _sotto voce_

“It lists all the ways to kill a sparkle-pire, and all the ways that won’t, and what to do afterwards,” Willow explained.

Buffy nodded. “I figure we can take the Volturi just in time for the Spring shows in Milan.”

Giles sighed. “Fine.”

The Scoobies cheered.


	12. Report

**Death to Sparkle-pires Report: Weapons and Their Effects**

_Troll hammer:_ Subjects shatter into smaller pieces, ready for usual handling.

 _Scythe:_ Subjects are sliced into pieces as per user’s decision.

 _White Phosphorous:_ Fire pretty!

 _M72 LAW:_ Big booms and unsettling cackles. Note: this weapon does not require super-human strength.

 _Claymores:_ As with M72 LAW.

Notes:   


> ♦ Troll hammer and Scythe require super-human strength for best effect, such as Slayer or souled vampire. Or tame sparkle-pire.
> 
> ♦ Usual handling of Sparkle-pire fragments is to burn, preferably with white phosphorous.
> 
> ♦ Unsettling cackle is _not_ required for any part of this, and is just plain unsettling.


End file.
